I wonder
what it's like
for the people who didn't go through a lot of negative events in their childhood.

for the people who didn't go through the things i did.
for the people who didn't get stung by what they thought was a bee, and then cry in front of the whole grade.
for the people who didn't get bullied by a boy who was intimidatingly tall.

I remember saying strange things to my peers and my schoolmates.
a bizarre blend of the truth about how i felt and what i saw on tv.
my parents had never told me it was wrong to tell people about how i felt. on tv the girls always went for the guy who showed he was sad or angry. the guy who could talk to his friends and understand how they felt was always the hero of the show.

my parents taught me manners and how things worked. television taught me how to show my feelings, and how to fake feelings. the other kids at school taught me how life wasn't like television, and how other people aren't like your parents. and so painfully and slowly i learned to show certain emotions to survive in the dog eat dog society of school. i learned what not to say and what not to do, lest i be considered a fool.

nevertheless, i learned too slow. too late i realised that the other kids didnt warm to my open displays of emotion. too late i realised that they mocked me.
my grades declined as i fought to stay as a non-weirdo. it didn't work. the pretty girls, the strong boys stayed away from me. i was the one who said weird things and acted strange.

i wonder what life is like for the people who were never ostracised, never bullied, never made fun of. where did they learn to be cool from such an early age? did their parents teach them not to show emotion in front of other kids? did they teach them how to consider people freakos and weirdos? did these children not watch the same soap operas and tv shows that i did?
how did these people get a head start on how to behave in life?

i hope they go through hell later on in life.
i hope i get to put them through it.

it won't happen. but i can wonder. and i can dream. and my imagination is something these bastards will never destroy.



Some Haikus
@12:47:00 am